I was out earlier this evening at a Carols concert at St John’s Church in Notting Hill, to raise money for the Bloodwise charity. The original plan was to bring the political tribes together for a good cause, with David Cameron, Nick Clegg and I due to do the three readings. However, Nick Clegg was caught up in his new job at Facebook – busy times – and so Piers Morgan stepped in.
As I don’t do God, I decided to write my own reading, a spoof account of the birth of Jesus, as though in the modern age. I am pleased to say the Vicar told me afterwards that he really liked it, and to be fair to my fellow readers Cameron and Morgan, they laughed at the cracks at their expense.
I am here to support Bloodwise, a charity I have supported ever since my best friend John Merritt, and later his daughter Ellie, were killed by leukaemia.
For my reading, I would like you to imagine Huw Edwards has just said the words …’and so now, we go live to Alastair Campbell, in the Middle East …’
‘Huw, thank you, and yes, I am here in Palestine, specifically the small, normally sleepy town of Bethlehem.
I know Britain is a crazy, chaotic place right now, what with the Prime Minister telling us we are on the edge of a precipice, and urging us all to take a giant leap forward … But frankly, Huw, while you there are following the inexorable march towards a People’s Vote to save the country from the total disaster that was … (Note to Alastair, don’t say anything about David Cameron, he is in the audience) ah ok, sorry, back to Bethlehem …
Where to start, Huw? Up to now, our reports have centred on the erratic behaviour of Palestine’s tyrannical leader, the self-styled King, Donald J Trumpy Herod. Or God, as his newly appointed chief of staff, Piers Morgan, has insisted Trumpy Herod is now to be called.
As you will recall, Huw, Donald J Trumpy Herod came to prominence here by issuing a commandment in stone to Make Palestine Great Again, with a promise of “winning…so much winning” against the Roman Empire.
But, tonight, it is not the mighty Romans provoking Trumpy Herod’s ire, but a tiny new born baby, born in this humble stable behind me. The boy is named Jesus. But more importantly, he has been proclaimed King of the Jews, Lord of Lords and King of Kings.
Trumpy Herod is angry, and has branded this story ‘totally fake news’. He called reporters to the West Jerusalem Wing, to show us his medical reports, and to tell us… I quote, “I have a great doctor, the greatest doctor in the whole of this region, Asia, and he says I am the only man alive who has the stamina, to be the real King of the Jews”. Jesus, said Trumpy, can not even walk, or talk, or handle his own twitter account.
Jesus’ father, a carpenter, has also come under fire, Trumpy Herod saying he made ‘bad chairs, bad tables, very bad tables.’ He is showing a little more interest in the boy’s mother, Mary, with Fox News suggesting that on hearing she was a virgin, Trumpy was lining Mary up as his next chief of staff after he sacks Morgan in the coming weeks.
I took the chance, Huw, to ask a question of Donald J Trumpy Herod, and I asked him what the J stood for.
‘Jesus,’ he said. ‘that is why this little baby better get out of town.’
He was further angered by news that the Angel Gabriel appeared before a group of shepherds, telling them, in an apparent blaze of light, of the news, and that they should descend the hills and visit the Christ child. In calling this a stunt, Trumpy Herod has branded the Angel Gabriel as ‘Rocket Man’, and issued an executive order allowing vigilantes to bring down “fire and fury” upon him and indeed the whole holy family.
The order allows for all first born sons to be murdered, as Trumpy Herod has vowed to ‘totally destroy’ the emerging credibility of this amazing story, the immaculate conception and birth of the saviour of mankind.
I’ve also learned that a number of wise travellers, apparently immigrants coming from the east were initially thwarted in their efforts by another executive order, this time a travel ban affecting all their countries of origin, in the Middle East and Africa. Thanks to helpful locals and the light of an unusually bright celestial body, they found their way here, paid their respects, left an assortment of soon-to-be-declared gifts and will be leaving by a route of their own choosing. My understanding is they will head to Britain, where there is currently a very high demand for non European migrants to work in hospitals, care homes and Notting Hill specialist oat milk frappaccino coffee shops.
This is Alastair Campbell, BBC News, Bethlehem, praying for a People’s Vote, and handing you back to Huw, in strong and stable Britain.